I would like the preface the piece below, this was written recently. I have been writing here and there throughout my time away from the keyboard and blank canvas but I have been lost. In the past I’ve posted here and there about my mental state and other thoughts/feelings I have with this being another. I wish to say I am in a good place, but I am not but this is hopefully the start of building back to where I once was. — erys
Every day I wake up, opening my eyes in the awoken world around me confused, why am I still here. Here being at this point in my life, for at least a year now I have contemplated and made plans in my mind of moving forward, going somewhere, progressing with some random goal in my head that still only exists in my dreams. The dreams that slowly have stopped coming. I’m stuck, I’ve been stuck and keep getting stuck with no idea how to get unstuck. Is it some strength of discipline to get out of this mood and feeling? Probably, and it something I clearly most truly lack with all the fibre in my body. I identify the problem and move to fix it but break with the most easiest breeze.
I turned 23 almost 6 months ago now and yet I still feel as lost as I was when I was 21. I have made no improvement, no movement, nothing at all towards any goals and I keep finding myself falling into this rut of no confidence, no ideas, nothing at all. When I was 19 I would question whats the point of it all, I might as well be gone with the wind yet something would stop me from going into said wind. Yet, I just find that whole argument in my head meaningless and trivial now because whether I’m gone into the wind or situated on the earth below I’m nothing.
I’ve become a ghost.
I do not wish to exist nor do I wish to not exist. I fight for my chance to avoid oblivion but yet I allow the oblivion to guide me to non-existence in existing. I’m being tormented by something deep inside and it’s something so hidden away I can’t find it to face it, or I am unwilling to face it by any stretch of my imagination because I am terrified at what it’s true nature brings.
I make plans, I break them.
I craft paths, then cover them up.
I create ideas, and hide them.
I really don’t fucking know who I am or who I wish to be anymore. I go from realm to realm, gliding around the pavements of loud noise and laughter hoping that someone will say something. Yet if they do I would just flee with a lie. I can’t sleep at night. But I can’t wake up in the morning. There’s no pain, there’s no love, there’s nothing. It’s just a void between my ribs.
Every day I question every single person I speak to or have spoken to. Do they care? Do they remember? Are they even there? Or did I make that entire thing up in my head again. I wish to be loved, I wish to love, I wish to do everything and all it at once but yet I find that to be hilarious. Because how can a ghost with no feeling do any of that?
Don’t wake me up but don’t let me fall asleep.
I miss writing, but I hate staring at the blank page with no idea where I am going to go.
I miss drawing, but I hate the feeling of the pencil and paint brushes from the past.
I miss laughing, but I hate the feeling that it will never last.
I miss them, but I just know they don’t miss me back.
Let me sleep, but wake me up when it’s sunny again.
Soon I wish to return and release everything I’ve worked on. Yet, for now just know I am trying.
