TW:// drinking, dark thoughts.
This year, what a year.
I took it upon myself to distance myself from social media, to only contact and talk to those who I felt like talking too this Christmas. The past year for myself has been a peculiar one, 2019 was probably one of the worst years on my mental state, I was bouncing in and out of thoughts of just leaving to the beyond. a moment i remember is when it was all dark outside in the deep summer, listening to ERYS, I decided to push the limits on my body. I hadn’t drank in about six or seven months and that night I drank. I drank so much that my body felt like an ocean, my mind was resting on top of that ocean rolling with the waves, I couldn’t find peace in my mind or in my heart. The previous Christmas in 2018 had messed with me a lot, I felt so distant and isolated from my family. The smallest interactions felt like they hated me. It was a scar that last for a long time.
At the start of 2020 I again was struggling with myself, I sat in my apartment for hours just bouncing around in my own mind. I was drained, I had nothing left to give to fight anything, I just let life punch and punch away. Then I found some sense, from a person. They know who they are, but they were possibly the best thing to happen to me and yet the world decided to move us oceans apart. I felt myself slipping again, I began to just become destructive inside again. I moved home, a home that I felt so much pain from. This town just drained me every time I returned, I hated it.
This summer of perfect vision clouded some of my judgement, but I began to clear a little of the fog here and there, I still had some emotional out bursts, I still felt dreary and tired. When I left this place to begin a final year it felt like I was carrying a lot on my back still. I hadn’t ever attempted to make peace with my demons, until now.
There is a famous quote we’ve all probably heard. “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” I personally had no idea what really meant until now, this is my slow Christmas holiday. Escaping everything around me. Everything that just held me down.
The first days back here, in my childhood room, they were slow. I had a lot weighing on my mind, in some impulse actions I made before leaving I wanted to be happy. I wanted to experience march again. That early spring sun, the one that had given me some sense of happiness, some sense of peace, the memories that I had created I held so close to my heart, I wanted them again.
They never returned. Maybe in the future they might return again, who knows. Yet now, in this year that has caused so many issues for people, in this year that has given us a lot to think about I find myself finally enjoying this existence. There are people to thank for that, they again know who they are. I think I finally can live without the weights that have plagued me for years.
I often joked to my friends saying “I felt like I’ve lived thousand lifetimes in these past four years,” and yes that is true. Where I was mentally when I turned sixteen to now has been a tough old trip. Yet that’s life. It’s not suppose to be easy, you’re not suppose to get everything you ever wanted for free. Yet, i find myself moving past this cross roads that I’ve been stood at for years, moving forward to the future.
2020, maybe the worst year for a lot of us, but it’s also been one of the most beautiful years of my life. We have finally began to see some sort of justice for the oppressed, it’s only a small step towards peace but it’s finally happening. I’m glad I get to witness it, yes other hard changes are coming but you just have to role with the punches and push for the next opportunity.
I really don’t know the point of this peace, I just wanted to write something about me for once. A sort of throwback to when I began writing about my mental state that I had no real clue what I was going on about.
I just want to say thank you to the hellish year of 2020. I want to say thank you to all those around me who just for moments kept me sane. Finally, i want to urge you to just try and enjoy the moments when they come.
I’m turning twenty one in three months, I still have a lot of life yet to live and see. So as I close the chapter on the two decades I’ve been alive, I can say I’ve found closure on a lot of struggles from my youth and I pray for those around me who are trying to find that closure too.
2020, I won’t forget you. It finally gave me the vision I have longed for.
Thank you for reading.